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Back again

Every once in awhile I get away from LJ but I always come back. I like being able to look back and see where my head was at during a certain time frame. So now we move on to 2017.

2016 ended in a fantastic way personally and 2017 is starting out well. Clay and I had a fantastic Christmas together with some friends, and we sent the year off in giant ball of fire. So bring on 2017!

It is possible I will be done with my training by the end of the week if we can find someone to do my sign off on Sunday. Otherwise it will be pushed to when I get back from my week off. I can't believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I thought I was going to be the last one in my academy to get signed off but I may end up being the first. Currently I'm in the Fire/EMS circle and it totally clicks for me. I love it. Two of my other classmates are really struggling with it and in my mind I don't understand why because it is coming so easy for me. It sounds cocky, but this is the one circle where I have gotten it from day one. I really love my job and I'm so glad I made the jump outside my comfort zone. Almost done, I can do this, I will do this!

Now let's address the the giant orange elephant in the room. It is January 17, 2017 and in three days there will be a new president. The fear and trepidation I feel is very real. My brother lives outside of DC and he is taking his family skiing during the inauguration. He doesn't want to be in town because he's unsure of what will happen, and he fears what his kids will be exposed to on the news and on the street. I don't blame him. In a way I'm glad Clay and I weren't successful in having children, because what kind of world would we be leaving them? I have friends going to the march in Washington. My aunt is going to one Melbourne, Australia. I get off work at 6:30am but if I can wake up in time I'll go to the one in Raleigh. I just hope we can get through the weekend without a massive uprising of violence. Violence is not the answer. Make sure you make your voice heard, contact your representatives, hell you could even run for office. After all if Trump can win so can you.

So much stress

This week has been insane. We are nearing the end of the first portion of 911 training, so that means tests. Lots of tests. Yesterday we had our mock practical. This means we had to take fake calls, use the map program, and the call taking program. It didn't count for a grade, but everyone in my class felt the pressure to do well. You need an 80% to pass. Only 1 person out of 10 got a passing score,  and it was not me. I got a 70%. (Luckily this grade did not count)The final practical is on Monday, so I have some time to up that score. It was my nerves that did me in, I knew the answers and how to do certain things but I froze after I fucked up once and I knew it. We were supposed to have our final written exam Friday but they moved to Tuesday to give everyone some extra time to study.

Yesterday, my brain literally hurt at the end of the day. I was trying to put too much information in there. My brain said,  "Woah lady, I don't where you expect me to put this. Do you want me to remove all your internet passwords to make space?"

I had a minor breakdown and I teared up yesterday and this morning. This afternoon I remembered the words of Stuart Smalley. "I'm good enough. I'm smart enough and, gosh darnit, people like me"
https://youtu.be/-DIETlxquzY

This is going to be my mantra for the next week.

Mini vacation

The beach was so nice. We cane back a couple of days early,  but that's okay. Clay has been out of town so much recently a couple of days at home sounded nice to both of us. I enjoyed the time away, even if the weather wasn't the best. I still got a sunburn. Now I'm looking forward to sleeping in my own bed tonight.

I still have 2 days off. I don't know what to expect from next week. I do know I get an actual lynch break. What is that? Honestly most of my career I haven't had an actual lunch break. I don't think I'll know what to do

Clay and I have decided that in 6 months we'll reevaluate the new job and see if it is a good fit for our life and my personal well-being. The older I get the more life is about long term goals.

I'm super excited about next week and see what the new life has to offer.

When it rains it pours

Seriously, life has been insane recently. I'm leaving my career after 17 years in the field. A few days after I give notice my dog starts limping. Turns out he blew his cruciate and needed a TPLO. I guess it's better it happened this week instead if next week. I was able to get the surgery done before I lose my full time employee discount. So far he's doing well post op, but  it is going to be a long 8 weeks.

My stepmother is in the hospital, with an artial blockage. She had to get 4 stints placed on Friday. She's still in A fib, so she'll have to stay until her heart has a more normal rhythm.

I'm supposed to go to the beach this week,  but it looks like rain for half of the time and we'll be traveling with a crippled dog.

My friend Aaron is still in the hospital and I haven't been able to go see him in a few days because of work.

Work has been INSANE this week. More STAT calls than anything. Spending most of  my time trying to prioritize who is dying the most and barely getting any food in the process. Let alone find time to pee.

My birthday is in 10 days and I haven't even had a chance to even think about what to do.

And with all of this Clay has been out of town for work and barely see the guy I married.

Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

At least I'm the type of person that eats stress for breakfast and still poops out a rainbow. I'm still looking for that rainbow.

Rain or no rain, I need a break. Beach, here I come. Now if only I can find time to pack.

Perspective

Watching your friend be sick sucks. Watching your friend die is even worse. Last week I went to go visit my friend Aaron in the hospital, and he was having a really bad week. Every time he would fall asleep I'd watch his breath rise and fall just to make sure he was still there. Today I went back for a visit and he looks so much better. He was bright, being very interactive, and even eating well. I'm really hoping this is the turnaround that gets him back home to his family.

All the good thoughts.

My friend Aaron is being transferred from Asheville to Chapel Hill tonight. He's worried he won't go back home. My heart is breaking for him and his family. He said goodbye to his 2 little girls fully expecting not to see them again. I'm hoping he's feeling down because he hasn't slept well recently. He says he's only slept an hour or two at a time while in the hospital.

Thus really sucks. His 42nd birthday is May 29th. We are only a couple weeks apart.

I'm going to try and see him tomorrow before I go to work. I can only try and remind him there is huge group of people by his side and to lean on us when needed. We will always be there for his family. The girls will know what a great man their father is, by seeing how many people love him.

Please send him all the good thoughts you can. Thank you.

Oct. 14th, 2015

I need a new project and I also need to stop sneezing. These two items are unrelated, but both are necessary.

Getting it back together

It's been just over 3 weeks since my wedding. What a wonderful day it was. I got to see some friends I haven't seen in a while. At my age, we only get together for weddings and funerals. I much prefer a wedding. I'm super happy. I got to marry the love of my life. We were best friends in high school, never dated. Honestly I always knew that if we got together it would be for the long haul, when I was 15 I didn't want that yet. I was also scared that if it didn't work out, I'd lose my best friend. The summer of 9th grade we snuck out almost every night just to hang out. It got to the point that we had a personal cab driver that we could call. We both had our issues and I started drinking and doing drugs, he did not want to do that kind of stuff with me. We dated different people, went our separate ways in the world. It wasn't until we were in our 30s that we saw each other again, and it was like a day hadn't passed. We decided this time around we'd give the romantic thing a shot, and it worked out to be something amazing. Now I wake up with a smile everyday knowing he'll be there when I get home. We have so much fun together, and laugh a lot. It's a good life, and I'm ecstatic about it.

Now the wedding hubbub is over and I've got to get this house in order. We got some gifts to incorporate in to our home. I've got tons of wedding decor to sell and make some money back. Plus I need to start on some thank you cards. Yesterday I uploaded our pictures for a wedding album I won, so at least that's started. I've been putting things away. I just lack the motivation to do it all right now. On the other hand I'm ready to get all these boxes of wedding supplies out of my house and take the space back. I need more storage in my tiny house.

The next thing I have to do is figure out what my next project will be. I spent the past year planning a wedding and making decor. Now I have lots of time I'm not sure what to do with. Maybe it's time to redo the bedrooms in the house. I'm sure I'll figure something out, I always like having a project. I guess I do need to plan an actual honeymoon as well. We did a little "mini-moon" and decided to save the real honeymoon until our one year anniversary. I'd like to go to Turks and Caicos. Something tropical, with clear blue water.

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People are dumb

Ugh, what an awful week. Last week my maid of honor decided to bail out 6 weeks before the wedding. So I had to do a changing of the guard. Luckily I had someone totally willing to step in, and that's a good thing. Then the former maid of honor decided to email the new MOH and tell her that they would not be coming to the wedding. I found out a few days later as the new MOH waited to tell me until I wasn't working. I appreciated that. I did send a text to the former saying I thought we were close enough that she would have told me personally. Then today I get an email saying she was going to tell me and not to contact her again. She said my reaction both publicly and privately confused her. The only thing I said publicly was that she dropped out, never mentioned her name, never said anything mean. Just stated a fact. Was I not supposed to have hurt feelings? The email said we hadn't been that close for a while, and I agree with that statement. Honestly I wanted a way to get her out of the wedding because it didn't seem like she cared, but I had made the choice and I was going to stick by it. The whole thing is fucked up. Now we aren't even friends. Not only did she defriend me on FB but she blocked me! Class act. I told Clay that if this is what it took to show her true colors then I'm fine with that.

I really don't I'm in the wrong here, I could be wrong about that but I don't know. I've wracked my brain trying to think of anything I did, but I can't think of anything. My feelings are hurt, and I'm trying to figure out if I'm some kind of terrible person. I don't think so. I've tried very hard not be some kind of Bridezilla and I don't think I am.

So now it's time to move on. I can't really mourn a friendship that was already gone. I'm okay with people not being in my life that only want a free beach house, or contact me only when they need something. Honestly as long as Clay shows up to the wedding that's all I care about. He's told me he's still coming.

I think I'm going to go out and do something fun. Plus Clay and I are going to make a little quick beach trip tomorrow night and play in the water for a couple days before I go back to work. I'm super happy about that!

Everything is getting worked out. I'm moving forward. It sucks when you lose someone out of your life that you used to be close with but life changes, people change, and you just adapt. Overall I'm very happy, this is a temporary bump. I feel better writing this all out so thanks for listening.

Wedding frustrations

Okay I'm going to do a little rant here so I feel better. Since I can't post it on FB without someone getting offended. Here it is. It is SOOOOO frustrating when you are told to send paper wedding invites to family, then are told "Well they are all coming", but no one can send a damned RSVP. It is polite if you get an invitation to send a reply. I mean I know there is still time for them to be sent in, but still. When you are told "they are all coming" does that mean the people on the invitation or that person and their 4 kids. I just think it's rude. Most people have already sent their responses, except the families. Even those that know they aren't coming haven't said anything either way. Show so goddamned etiquette, because I'm a fucking lady! ;)